Step 1: The Pickle Prep 

Mr. Bigpants believes that every pickle must be disciplined. In a small saucepan, combine vinegar, water, sugar, salt, and mustard seeds. Bring to a simmer, then pour over cucumber slices in a heatproof jar. Let them chill in the fridge while you cook the burgers. These quick pickles will be tangy, crisp, and just rebellious enough to sneak into every bite.

Step 2: The Lettuce Lesson in My Office

In a bowl, toss shredded iceberg lettuce with mayonnaise, lemon juice, and a pinch of salt. It’s crunchy, refreshing, and has just enough zing to keep students (and eaters) awake through 6th period.

Step 3: The Burger Basics (ft. Mark Dowlen)

In a large bowl, mix ground beef with Worcestershire, garlic powder, onion powder, salt, and pepper. Form into 4 patties. Grill or pan-fry over medium-high heat for 3–4 minutes per side, topping each with cheddar cheese in the last minute so it melts into gooey perfection.

 Step 4: Assemble the Bigpants Burger

Toast the buns. Layer with lettuce crunch, a juicy burger patty, a spoonful of pickles, and any extra toppings you dare add (tomato, ketchup, maybe even a fried egg if you’re feeling like skipping class).

Step 5: The Cafeteria Line...Lettuce and Pickle?

Line them up on a tray, cafeteria-style, and let everyone grab their own. The crisp lettuce, zingy pickles, and juicy patty come together like students at a pep rally; chaotic, but somehow perfectly in harmony.